Category Archives: Personal Blog

Love, Life, And Everything in between.

The Break Up

Have you ever been in a relationship where both of you did some things wrong and instead of solving the problem or coming to an agreement you continued to point the finger at each other? Well that was basically the overall reason for my recent break up (without going into details). It got so bad that arguments were literally occurring every day. Hurtful things were said and petty things were done on both sides and unfortunately there was no fixing it after that point. Somewhere down the line the fun, trust, honesty, respect, compromise, and consideration was all taken out of the relationship. I made one last attempt, but it was too late. We just couldn’t see eye to eye on certain things.

I sat back and had time to think about everything. I realized my faults and most times couldn’t bring myself to admit to them when I should have. Pride is a motha. People like to say well everything happens for a reason but that doesn’t soothe the pain you go through when you go through a break up. Even though we were only together for a short time I can honestly say my feelings for him were very real and I loved him. Still do.

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The hardest part about going through a break up is not being able to see their face, feel their touch, or hear their voice again. Plus he was introduced to the world, family, and friends and you have to go through that whole “we just didn’t work out” thing with everyone. I’m a deep thinker sometimes and I feel deeply, so whenever I’m going through something unfortunately it’s hard for me to just let it roll off my shoulders. I will almost always put up a strong front because I never like to appear weak, but inside I’m hurting and extremely disappointed.

Then there are the thoughts of wondering if they are with someone else. Have they already moved on? Did they ever really love you? Why couldn’t we fight just a little harder for the relationship? Maybe we just need a break? Maybe he’ll come running back and we can fix things? But the likelihood of that happening just isn’t there. Sacrifices were made on both sides and I can’t help but to think it was all in vain. I took a chance on love after not being in a serious relationship for 5 years and it just really sucks.

In the end I know I have to be strong. I have new opportunities coming up that require me to be focused and have my head on straight so I’m going to push through this. I guess I will have to look at it as a lesson learned.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year Everyone!

I hope you guys started the New Year off right, I know I did! I attended a black and gold themed house party with my homegirl and we had a great time! It was good seeing old high school friends and catching up, all while vibin to mix from the DJ. It’s always funny when you run into people from high school. Some look and act pretty much exactly the same, some people changed (that would be me), and some people got SUPA FINE (the DJ lol). I didn’t really do much dancin, just posted up with a drank in my hand and did a lot of head bobbin lol. Of course there’s always a little ratchetness that occurs at a house party but it’s all good. A girl seemed to be upset with someone and a fight almost happened. Crazy thing is the drama was happening right in front of me, but I couldn’t tell you who she was mad at for the life of me. I kept looking around but didn’t see anybody else as upset as her. Anywho like I said I had a good time and I look forward to joining everyone again next year.

 A new year for a lot of people is the beginning of a new journey. We start reflecting on the past year, preparing ourselves for change, and making New Year’s resolutions. My resolutions are usually the same as most peoples…let go of some things, lose weight so I can be summertime fine, be healthier, and just continue to strive to be a better person inside and out. But this year I want to go a little more in depth and be a little more specific so I decided that I’m going to do a vision board. It’s a great idea to help you stay motivated and stay on track of things. I’ve provided some example below that I found from pintrest if you’re interested in creating your own.

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself. Although I think change can be done at any time not just at the beginning of the year, I don’t criticize or judge people for making New Year’s resolutions. As much as I love social media it’s sad how many discouraging remarks I saw in regards to people wanting to change. There was one meme in particular that was circulating all over the internet. It symbolized a black woman wanting to leave all of her problems in the past and start brand new for the New Year. When I say people on Instagram can take somethin good and tear it to pieces smh, I mean they recreated the meme over and over again to be so negative. I just kept thinking I don’t see anything wrong with this picture and what’s really sad is it was the black men more than anybody that was tearing the sista down. Hey we gotta do better people…but when you know better, you do better. Peep the pics and video below…

 

P.S. Why did I receive a text from an Ex that I hadn’t talked to in over 3 months on New Year’s Eve? That’s what I’m NOT gonna do for the year 2015! Ain’t nobody got time fa dat!

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New Year’s Eve kiss
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Me and my girl Kescia
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Those drinks were good!

Inspiration for a vision board…

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Check Your Friends

I had some things on my mind so I had to write about it. Ok so here’s the scenario:

Fellas…Saaaay you’re hanging out with one of your friends and you’re having a conversation about how people always say you have all these “hoes” (excuse my language) but you disagree and you say you’re lookin for them. Now let’s say one of your homegirls walks up, overhears the convo and jumps in with the joke by saying she’s looking for all these guys people claim she has too. At this moment you’re friend insinuates that your homegirl is one of your hoes. It was almost like oh here goes one of these girls jockin you now.  How would you handle this situation? Would you…

  1. Ignore what just happened like you didn’t hear it and just hope the situation doesn’t get out of hand.
  2. Let them two as adults’ hash it out without you intervening. (and sit back with your popcorn)
  3. Apologize for your friend and change the subject.
  4. Say something to your friend and tell them that they need to chill or back off.

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A very similar situation happened to me recently and what my friend, whom I consider to be a close friend, did was completely ignore the situation as if it was no big deal. In fact he admitted that his friend is reckless with the way he talks to people. I have witnessed my seemingly non conflictive friend before, sometimes what looked like on purpose, bring this reckless talking friend into conversations to stir the pot a little or cause a little drama/controversy if you will. Maybe for the entertainment that came along with it IDK. But I was still a little disappointed in the way he handled the situation with me.

I guess I thought that all of the CONSISTENT times we spent talking, laughing, bonding, and getting to know one another over the past 4 months would make me a special friend in some sort of way. Maybe I took our friendship more serious than he did. I understand that you can’t control what another person says but you can show some sort of reaction to it, especially if it’s a little disrespectful to someone else you call a friend or care about. In my opinion the loyalty that you have toward the first friend should not stop you from telling them they were wrong about something. Friends should tell friends when they are wrong and if I was a real friend to him I think he should have told him to pump his brakes.

The whole thing just seemed childish to me and it made me sit back and reevaluate our friendship. It almost made me wonder if there was anything that was said to his friend that even made him come at me that way. He said that his friend does that to all of the girls that say something to him, but then I’m thinking, and you think this is ok?

You know how at first you may not have been that mad about something but the more you thought about it, the more upset you got? My initial reaction was correcting his friend, but then his friend seemed to want to play some more. So I withdrew myself from the situation. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I was irritated or possibly get me even more upset. He seemed like the type of person that got a kick out of that. I don’t play around with disrespect and I’m totally over the days of arguing with people I don’t even know. The old me would have popped off.

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IDK…The way that I am, if I feel like a friendship or any type of relationship is unbalanced, I lessen the amount of time I give to that person.

I would like to hear your thoughts on this. Also ladies if the script was flipped, would you check your friend?

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Platonic Friends…Or Nah?

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So there’s this guy that I have a major crush on (that I’m probably spending way too much energy on but that’s neither here nor there) and he has a female best friend. This guy and I talk every now and then, he seems to be interested in me as well, and we follow each other on social media.  I’ve noticed on several occasions his best friend flirting with him which kinda annoys me and it makes me have a raised eyebrow as to whether he’s telling the truth about their friendship. He seems like a genuine guy and the flirting doesn’t seem reciprocated but they both seem to show each other a lot of attention. Some of the flirting is a tad bit sexual and I think people on the outside looking in would have the perception that they are more than friends. She actually posted one of those “this could be us” memes and tagged him in it.

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The reason it’s a little hard for me to understand this friendship of theirs is because I have a best friend of the opposite sex as well. I know everyone is different and everyone doesn’t do things the way that I do but my best friend and I don’t flirt with each other AT ALL. And here’s the kicker, we used to date 8 years ago but once we split up we continued to be friends and only that. Never dipped back in it for old times’ sake or said anything out of line to each other. Once I friend zone someone I really mean it. The only thing you’ll get out of me is an occasional casual compliment. Something on the lines of “you look nice today” or “you smell really good”.  Other than that I’m not talking about sexual things with my male friends unless it’s to maybe get advice for someone I’m dating. I won’t even joke around like that. If I do, then that person is actually more than just a friend to me.

The struggle is the fact that this guy and I aren’t really dating, we just like each other. But this friend is a major turn off and makes me not want to pursue anything with him in the future. At the same time I know it’s the internet and some people may say “oh it’s not that serious girl”. Plus, I don’t wanna be the new chick coming in trying to mess up a friendship, so of course I’ve chosen to keep my lips sealed. Some people can also take that as a sign of insecurity, which is not the impression I want to give.

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So readers I wanna ask you, does this sound like someone who is just a friend? Am I reading too much into it? And how do you deal with flirtatious friends?

 

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Domestic Violence: My Take On It

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Years and years ago I was in a physically and verbally abusive relationship. It’s something that I still get very emotional about whenever I talk about it to people, especially people who are insensitive to the subject. A lot of times I read on social media or have conversations with people who say things like “if she keeps going back to him then it’s her fault she keeps getting beat up” or “well she’s stupid as hell for taking him back” or “some women get in a man’s face and talk a bunch of ish and they deserve to be hit”. It’s crazy the things I hear and read and I can’t help but to think, where is the compassion for the victim? Unless you’ve lived the nightmare before how can you be so opinionated about it?

Although I do think getting in someone’s face is provoking them, I still think at the end of the day we all have the choice in how we react to it. Everyone has the right to defend themselves when someone gets physical with them, but if they didn’t touch you, you shouldn’t touch them. Period. I understand sometimes it’s not that simple but that’s the way it should be.  From my experience and also from what I’ve witnessed verbal abuse and manipulation usually comes way before the physical violence which a lot of people fail to realize.

Before I met my ex-boyfriend I was happy, confident, ambitious, and sure of who I was and what I wanted. I was that strong minded girl who said I would never let a man put his hands on me. By the end of the relationship I was 40 lbs. heavier, miserable, insecure, lacked motivation, and didn’t recognize the person I saw in the mirror. I was completely opposite of what I was before.  Before, I was that girl who cared about her appearance before she walked out the door. Afterwards I could give a rat’s ass and just walked out the house looking any kind of way. I went days without even combing my hair. I was depressed and it took a while for it to become apparent to my mother but once it was she subtly made an intervention. Not everyone is so lucky. Prayer alone cannot help you out of that situation. Family and friends turn their backs and give up on people who keep going back because they don’t understand or know how to help. If you have no support and no one to help pull you through what do you do?

Here’s my story:

The first time I saw any signs of my ex being an abusive person, I ignored and justified it. I had witnessed him choke his ex-girlfriend during an altercation one time. I had witnessed her act crazy as well. She tried to run us off the rode on multiple occasions, once with her infant in the car. So my initial thought was well she ran up and hit him first and she was screaming that she was going to do something to me so he was just protecting me. Throughout the 3 years we were together a lot of our arguments would be because of the fact that he was still seeing this woman and lying to me, which was probably what was driving her crazy as well. His possessiveness and insecurity because of our big age difference also played a major role in our problems.

He had started his manipulation early on in the relationship.  He had a problem with the way I dressed and being the woman that I am and wanting to please my man, I stopped wearing anything that showed off my figure too much because I knew it would lead to an argument. He would even snap on men in the grocery store for looking at me. If I put on some body spray before leaving the house it was “who you trying to smell good for” then that caused and argument and he subsequently poured all my body sprays down the drain.  According to him all of my close friends were bad for me and he even tried to turn me against my mother so that I would have no one. Eventually it was hard being friends with people and either they cut me off or I cut them off. He would start arguments with me out of nowhere but then turn around and tell me how much he needed me and that he had no one but me. He would cry and tell me deep dark secrets and use them as excuses as to why he acted the way he did. So that made it hard to leave because I would feel sorry for him. I had been around his family and friends and yes he had burned those bridges so in a sense I felt like he did need me. All of these things I had put up with because I loved him but also I had eventually lost all self-love in the process.

The first time it got physical I blamed it on myself and my mouth. By now I had been doing the same thing he was doing to me which was cutting below the belt during arguments. I told myself well I should have walked away and that’s what I’ll do next time before it gets physical. Well next time came and he wouldn’t let me walk away. He would take my glasses and car keys so I wouldn’t drive off. He would pin me down so I wouldn’t leave. Even when he fell asleep I didn’t try to leave in the middle of the night because I feared what he might do to me if he caught me. He would always wake up begging and pleading for me not to leave him and apologize a million times. During all of this I also felt like I had nowhere to go. Even though my mother would have welcomed me with open arms to come back home, she had a husband that I didn’t get along with. I felt like I had no friends or family to turn to, nor did I want to be alone. By now because of the mean and hurtful things he would say and because of my appearance I felt like no one else would want me. There were even times I had gotten spit on, punch, choked, and kicked in front of his family and they did nothing to stop him. So I just felt like nobody cared and at some point I became financially dependent on him as well. I had gotten so used to this dysfunctional relationship that there were even a few times where I hauled off and hit him first because of something that he had done to me. In the beginning the sex was a big part of why I stayed too but toward the end I was so disgusted by him that I didn’t want him to touch me.

One time I almost passed out while he was choking me. It was then that I was determined to get on my feet financially and leave him when I got the chance. The final straw was the day I was scared for my daughter’s safety and that’s the day I left and never looked back. Some people are so drowned in what’s going on that they never get that rude awakening. My mother moved me on the other side of town which helped a lot because it was really hard to move on.

I say all this to say that there are so many layers to domestic violence. It’s not so cut and dry like most people think it is. Mentally after dealing with all the verbal and physical abuse you are messed up in the head, which is a big reason it’s so hard to leave. You’re confused, feel alone, financially unstable, insecure, and depressed. There’s barely any common sense or any light to hold on to. I hope that anyone reading this shares it and it opens your eyes to the complexity of it all. I hope that people can be more sensitive on the matter. I keep seeing people comment on the Ray Rice situation and they are being so cruel. People have even created these memes or pics poking fun at the situation when I feel it’s not a laughing matter. Women are losing their lives over stuff like this and yet so many people are quick to judge and blame the woman. It’s not so simple.

 

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Should old flames stay in the past?



Recently an old flame contacted me and asked me out on a date…

Back-story:

The last time we dated was about a year ago and I had came to the conclusion then that he wasn’t ready for a commitment. We were dating for about 3 months and depending on the amount of time spend with a person (for us it was a lot), by then you should know whether or not you want to take it to the next level to being in a relationship. He wasn’t a bad boy or thug and was a gentleman but it just felt like he wasn’t ready. We had a couple quarrels about communication and consideration, which is a big deal to me, and I think that made him pump the breaks. But I am the type of person that an argument won’t stop me from pursuing a relationship, I’m optimistic that you can work things out and move forward. I can admit my wrong in some of the things I did as far as my reaction to things that he did. I didn’t handle my emotions in the most mature way. The arguments/disagreements became more frequent and he was the kind of guy who avoided conflict and to me that wasn’t solving the issues. He was the type to get mad and not want to talk for days and I was the type, depending on the severity of the argument, who wanted to address it the next day. Overall I felt like he seemed like a good dude that had a good head on his shoulders but sometimes I questioned whether he had someone else he was talking to too. Whenever we go into it there wasn’t much effort put forth on his part to fix things. We did live about an hour away from each other too. We went out on several dates and spent significant time chillin at the crib with each other as well. We had both grown comfortable with each other but the constant butting of heads ultimately ended things for us…He tried to explain that he had personal issues and stress that affected how he handled things with us but that wasn’t enough for me. I moved on and stopped responding to his text and phone calls. I was very disappointed in the way things turned out with us because I really thought it looked like a promising relationship because we had a lot in common.

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Flash Forward:

I hadn’t talked to him in a couple months when he contacted me to go out on a date. Every time he reached out I would pretty much give him the cold shoulder. But this time I guess I was in a good mood and said what the heck and went out on the date with him. He came and picked me up and we went to Dave and Busters and then afterwards we went out to eat and sat on the patio and talked for awhile. After that we came back to my place, watched tv, and once he started getting sleepy he gave me a kiss goodnight and made his way home. He was affectionate the whole time while I was still a bit stand offish. I had a good time but I’m still guarded in my approach to the situation. We’ve talked a lot on the phone since then and even apologized for things in the past. He stated that he wants to move forward and hopes that we can build and grow into something. I’ve been going with the flow but in the back of my mind I’m wondering is it worth the time. Thinking long term, eventually I will be moving back east to be closer to my mother. So is starting a relationship with someone right now the right thing to do, especially if I know they won’t move with me? And two will we have a repeat of last year? 

So…Should old flames stay in the past?

Update: Kicked that boy to the curb lol

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